And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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