I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
