I wish I only lived at night.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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