goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it's great music for shaving your balls
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
