I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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