I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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