my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
