being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
