i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We have started to decorate penises.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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