How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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