i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
