I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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