My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
