you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
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do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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