awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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