ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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