So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
