out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
