guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
