i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
