Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
