i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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