I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You can't special order awesome
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
