Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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