I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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