I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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