btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
