Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
