i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
