Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
