No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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