I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
