I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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