I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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