I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
