I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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