My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
