anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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