im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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