Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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