My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
