You made me cry and you don't even care
It's Friday. Sex?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
