also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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