I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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