I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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