he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
