My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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