I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
