Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
