My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
