theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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