Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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