this beer tastes like vomit already
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
