3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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