I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
