I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
