these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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