Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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