I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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